Thursday, August 2, 2012

Why 30 Silent Mockingbirds?

Why 30 Silent Mockingbirds?

I had this hhuuuugggggeee amazing change when I turned 30. I EMBRACED it. I loved turning 30 and then with 30 brought alot of feelings. Alot of past emotions. Alot of serious thinking about my life. I gathered with friends from many different areas of my life for my birthday and it made it me thankful. With that, I changed forever. It also brought back people from my past. It brought forgiveness. It showcased things I hid about childhood. It made me bitter. It brought new people in my life. It showed me I should drop my mask and let them know me. Wonderful things happened to me that year... and downright scary things happened to me that year too. The mockingbird comes in because I have had a couple people close to me describe me a few symbolic ways. There are a few .. but two stuck out to me. One a bluejay "beautiful but mean" Another a mockingbird "always singing someone else's song". I went with the second. First, I dont think I am beautiful .. and second I dont think I am mean. However, I do feel I have always been a person singing someone else's song. I always felt my true self was silently screaming.

I had thoughts at 30 of finally making myself public so I had to make a name.. 30 Silent Mockingbirds is the one that stuck. Now at 33, I cant change that title.. I cant bring myself to do it. It was a big, life changing year.

Its good to know now I like to think of myself now as a phoenix : a mythical bird that is a fire spirit...  near the end of which it builds itself a nest of twigs that then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again. It is said that the bird’s cry is that of a beautiful song. I know I'm still a little bit of mockingbird inside.. what has been done is who I have become.

So there. You got it. Me getting all deep and shit.

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